Monty Python And The One Ring
by IthilielCuivienien
Summary: The Lord of the Rings  Monty Python style. Warning: complete nonesense


Disclaimer: I don't own the Lord of the Rings or the Monty Python stuff.

**Monty Python and the One Ring**

With (na) :

Aragorn, Gandalf, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin

Also appearing (gwa goceri):

Elrond, Saruman, Sauron, Bilbo, Galadriel, Celeborn, Haldir, …

Also also appearing (gwa gwa goceri):

Éomer, Éowyn, Théoden, Grima, Denethor, Faramir,…

Also also also appearing (gwa gwa gwa goceri):

various Orcs, Uruk-hais, Rohirrim, Gondorians, …

The characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely 'accidental' and (un)intentional.

**The Fellowship of the Ring, being the second part of the first half… oh, never mind **

Middle-Earth, 3430 S.A. A kingdom divided. To the West, the Elves and the Faithful.  
To the East, Sauron. Above, nothing but Orcs and some people from Rhûn.  
In Mithlond, Fornost, and Osgiliath, war.  
In the kingdoms of Lindon, Arnor, Gondor and Lórien, war.  
In Rivendell, and the two Minas, war, with a 50 chance of destruction and siege coming out of the Northeast at twelve miles per hour.  
Legend tells us of an extraordinary leader who arose from the chaos to unite a troubled kingdom.  
A man with a vision, who gathered men and Elves together in the Last Alliance.  
This man was Elendil, King of the Realms in Exile, for this was Middle-Earth!

(a great battle takes place in the background)

After some fighting, the Dark Lord Sauron surprised the leaders of the Alliance by suddenly jumping out from behind a rock, wearing a false nose and singing 'Happy days are here again'. Elendil instantly collapsed upon hearing this terrible singing and fell on his sword, thereby breaking the blade. His son Isildur picked up the hilt of his father's sword and tried to cut the false nose from the Dark Lords face. His aim being dreadfully poor, he cut off the One Ring instead.

And, as it is customary in these stories, he failed to destroy the Ring and it somehow got lost.

3019 Third Age – Just after the Eight o'clock news

Middle Earth

The Shire

Hobbiton, A small village in the Shire

Bag End

Bilbo was celebrating his 111th birthday. Half the Shire has been invited. The bigger half, of course.

There was big party, and everyone was drinking and eating and they feasted on beer and meat and pork and mutton and potatoes and carrots and tomatoes and bread and… well, you get the picture. Gandalf was there as well and tried his best not to set anything on fire with his fireworks.

The Bilbo made his much awaited speech:

"Consider the lilies... ah… in the field…, uh, well, the birds…"

"What birds?" asked a Hobbit woman.

"Any birds."

"Why?" asked another Hobbit.

"Well, have they got jobs?"

"Who?"

"The birds," said Bilbo.

"Have the birds got jobs?" Hobbit Nr 1 repeated confused.

"What's the matter with him?" asked Hobbit Nr 2.

"He says the birds are scrounging!" said Hobbit Nr 3.

"No, I… oh never mind, I never was good at this anyway. Goodbye!" Bilbo said and vanished into thin air.

The other Hobbits mostly ignored him and continued eating their Whizzo Quality Assortments. Only Frodo went to look for his uncle.

When he finally came into Bilbo's house he found only Gandalf there.

"Well, Bilbo has left for good. He's left you everything he owned, including bits of old jewellery." Gandalf said cheerfully and then said goodbye and left.

Cut: A few years later.

Of course, not a few years to the day, just a few years

Gandalf came back and asked for Bilbo's old Ring. Frodo gave it to him and the wizard threw it into the fireplace. They waited for a moment, then Frodo said:

"It probably would help, if the fireplace was lit, you know."

"I am a wizard, I know what I am doing!" Gandalf said and then asked, "Could you please light the fire?"

Frodo did – muttering 'what good is a wizard who can't even get a fire started?' – and then they waited some more.

Gandalf then took the Ring out of the fire again and put it into Frodo's hand, who let out a scream and dropped it.

"Oh, sorry," Gandalf said and asked. "What does it say?"

Frodo looked at it.

"It says 'Made in Japan'."

"No, not that, what else does it say?"

"Ah, here it says: 'The One Ring of Sauron. Warning: Evil':"

"Ah, it is as I have feared! It is the One Ring. We have to destroy it!"

Gandalf though for a moment.

"Why don't you just gather your things, take Sam and head to Bree?"

"Oh, all right."

Frodo and Sam had left Bag End and were crossing the Shire, heading for Bree.

In a field Merry and Pippin suddenly ran straight into Frodo and Sam.

"Hello Miss," said Merry.

"What do you mean, Miss?" asked Sam confused.

"I'm sorry I have a cold."

And so, after some rejoicing, they continued their journey with Merry and Pippin accompanying them.

They had been walking for some time, when Frodo suddenly started to feel slightly strange. A dark and evil presence was closing in on them… or perhaps he had just forgotten to change his underwear again. The Hobbits hid behind the bushes and a tall and dark creature entered.

The creature came closer and closer and suddenly it jumped behind the bushes.

"Nobody expects the… oh, bugger. Where are they?"

While the creature had been occupied with sneaking up on them in a dramatic and impressive way, the Hobbits had run away.

After some time they came to a dark and very expensive forest and entered it.

The Hobbits decided to take a little nap, when suddenly the light went out and there was a scream. The light went on again and a nasty willow tree has taken them hostage. Only Frodo's head was still sticking out.

Suddenly a big man in a bluish trench coat strode through the door of the clearing.

"I am Inspector Lookout of the Yard!"

"Look out of the yard?" Frodo asked, confused.

"Why?" the man asked. "Never mind. As I said, I am Inspector Lookout of the Yard, pronounced Tom Bombadil. You seem to be in a grave situation."

"Ah, yes. Could you help us, please?" asked Frodo.

Tom drew a herring from his bag, got into a fighting pose, held it in front of him like a sword and attacked the tree:

"It! It! It!"

The willow tree immediately released the four Hobbits and ran away screaming "Ni! Ni! Ni!". Tom helped the Hobbits up.

"You should have brought a shrubbery with you." He told them and led them to his house. Well, it wasn't really a house, it was a one-room apartment… or it rather was a hole in the ground… anyway, he led them there and offered them some cheese.

"What cheese do you have?" asked Sam.

"Well what cheese do you want?"

"Have you got Lüneberg cheese?"  
"No," said Tom.

"How about Limburger cheese?" Pippin asked.

"No, I'm afraid not."

"And cheddar?" Frodo asked finally.

"No."

"Do you have any cheese at all?" Sam asked.

"Oh yes, yes." Tom assured them.

"Well, what kind of cheese do you have, then?" Sam wanted to know.  
"What kind do you want?" Tom asked again.

After they continued like this for some time, they all fell asleep. The next day the Hobbits resumed their journey to Bree.


End file.
